Filling the Void in My Heart..

Well, I'm back! after like 3 years, where I am no longer a young little girl clad in a pinafore, but a a girl of a legal age in the pursuit of her dreams in finding the true purpose in her life (and still in the process of finding it!)

But why am I back here, you must be wondering.

I realise, with each passing year, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes...(and the infinity of what follows suit), that we pay a heavy price for growing up.

And this fact, is no stranger to many of us, I presume.

We may become the more realistic idea of a 'matured', and 'well-informed' individual on the outlook of life, but in the process of attaining this status in society,

Have we all lose our identity in the process?

After the struggles, hardships in high school, followed by the stress load of the false sense of achievement which our dear SPM gives, I thought college was the time where I would start afresh, with a new group of friends, a circle of friends who I could interact with comfortably, and of course, make an impact to the whole of Ausmat where people would remember that in one point of their lives, they were once coursemates with the Blur Yellow Retard.

It may be very vain of me to say this, ignorant even.

But this is one of the ways where I think to indicate to people that there is always one person out there to help them out through thick and thin, even when the world turns their backs against you.

I have attempted to introduce myself to people not as the Hwu Ning where high school has shaped me into, but rather the new confident, sociable and friendly Natalie where everyone could rely on in times of need. I made friends, good and bad, but majority are good (or perhaps my perception on the fine line between bad and good have been blurred by the desire to be loved by others?) No more the Hwu Ning who feels unsecured by not having friends to talk to, the fear where you're not being a good enough friend, and the fear where every little mistakes that you make are constantly judged by everyone around you. I thought that was the trick to get people to like you more, you change who you have been in the past.

But as the year passes by, the results are quite contradictory to what I was hoping for.

I have never felt a higher sense of insecurity in my life, because this new change is slowly reverting to the old me, and ten times worst.

The circle of friends that I was around with never felt like my true friends; I always feel that they are judging me, remaining forever skeptical about me, even as I try too hard to be as nice as possible (and I don't even need to try to be nice back in high school cuz people keep telling me I am just that nice!) And a second thought follows suit: am I not being the friend which I hope for my friends to gladly have?

The first half of the year was great, got to know many friends, and even leaving a mark in the whole course by being the sole female president candidate for the student council. (Mind you, I not only did this to have a taste of stepping out of my comfort zone, it is also a form self comfort and defense against ignorant people so that they can't plant their foot above my head to use me for their devious course-related schemes) but as the pre-u journey progresses into mid-year, I became more and more paranoid of what friends think of me, as a person and as a friend. Because of that I became wary of every move that I made, and every word I said. "Did I say this right? Am I portraying the right gesture?" These thoughts still haunt me until now. As a result, I do not talk as much as I did before, for fear of this unimaginable consequence. I only talk when the situation calls for me to. And the occasional laugh to remind them that I still exist.

Throughout the middle of the year, I have never felt so lonely before in my life.

Going to Starbucks or Aunty Annes after college alone because I like being alone sometimes and that's the best time for me to engage in deep thought? Although it is rather true but the two 'excuses' are constructed from the basis getting away from people so I will not be susceptible to judgement anymore from every little action that I make. For a moment, I felt so free and yet, I feel that stinging pain in my heart at the same time. But at least it's better to have 100% of your heart feeling hurt from the thought of possible negative thoughts and views friends might have of me. Call it a 50-50 thing if you must.

Self-centred, insensitive, lack of self-esteem. These are the words that I think must be in the thoughts of majority of the readers here now. With this negative post about my true feelings, you may have an otherwise unexpected thoughts of the blur, optimistic and cheerful individual that I am on the outside. These are thoughts that I share with people who I think I can trust the most, and yet by sharing deepest feelings I tend to also start feeling bad by letting them in on my darkest thoughts, because 1, of the burden of having need to bear with my negativity, and 2, they start thinking otherwise of me. I don't know how else to find an output for all this negative thoughts but through my blog that I left idle for over 3 years. The accumulated feeling of emptiness for the past 3 years.

And the biggest question is: Has this paranoia along with added pressure from academics and family issues changed who I used to be in the past? I think yes, it has.

Looking back, I could help out friends in need regardless of age with no hesitation. But now, I'll have second thoughts (or maybe even three) before helping someone. Also be the one to provide the smiles to my friends despite having to cope with exams and assignments. Quite opposing to what I hoped for from college in fact. I cannot deny the fact that I actually did helped one or two friends get through in times of difficulties, or the handful of times providing laughter to friends and friends' friends alike, but I just feel that I am not doing enough because I always feel like I am in debt for my friends who have to put up with my pathetic and sorry state of a human being.

Don't worry, I am not going through any forms of depression or thoughts of ending my life or whatsoever if you are concerned, just going through a night where my brain decided it was a good time to let true emotions flooding in.

But that's just how it is. My deepest thoughts and feelings written in black and white for the past 3 years, before the end of my external paper because I got tired of studying the same things over and over again. I hope I did not bore you with my extensive negative view upon myself. For those who sacrificed their useful time to read this, sorry for taking up your time, I was being selfish. Please resume with your daily routines and if you need compensation for your lost time, do tell me. Sorry and have a good day ahead :)


"I'm falling to pieces." -Breakeven by The Script