Filling the Void in My Heart..

Well, I'm back! after like 3 years, where I am no longer a young little girl clad in a pinafore, but a a girl of a legal age in the pursuit of her dreams in finding the true purpose in her life (and still in the process of finding it!)

But why am I back here, you must be wondering.

I realise, with each passing year, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes...(and the infinity of what follows suit), that we pay a heavy price for growing up.

And this fact, is no stranger to many of us, I presume.

We may become the more realistic idea of a 'matured', and 'well-informed' individual on the outlook of life, but in the process of attaining this status in society,

Have we all lose our identity in the process?

After the struggles, hardships in high school, followed by the stress load of the false sense of achievement which our dear SPM gives, I thought college was the time where I would start afresh, with a new group of friends, a circle of friends who I could interact with comfortably, and of course, make an impact to the whole of Ausmat where people would remember that in one point of their lives, they were once coursemates with the Blur Yellow Retard.

It may be very vain of me to say this, ignorant even.

But this is one of the ways where I think to indicate to people that there is always one person out there to help them out through thick and thin, even when the world turns their backs against you.

I have attempted to introduce myself to people not as the Hwu Ning where high school has shaped me into, but rather the new confident, sociable and friendly Natalie where everyone could rely on in times of need. I made friends, good and bad, but majority are good (or perhaps my perception on the fine line between bad and good have been blurred by the desire to be loved by others?) No more the Hwu Ning who feels unsecured by not having friends to talk to, the fear where you're not being a good enough friend, and the fear where every little mistakes that you make are constantly judged by everyone around you. I thought that was the trick to get people to like you more, you change who you have been in the past.

But as the year passes by, the results are quite contradictory to what I was hoping for.

I have never felt a higher sense of insecurity in my life, because this new change is slowly reverting to the old me, and ten times worst.

The circle of friends that I was around with never felt like my true friends; I always feel that they are judging me, remaining forever skeptical about me, even as I try too hard to be as nice as possible (and I don't even need to try to be nice back in high school cuz people keep telling me I am just that nice!) And a second thought follows suit: am I not being the friend which I hope for my friends to gladly have?

The first half of the year was great, got to know many friends, and even leaving a mark in the whole course by being the sole female president candidate for the student council. (Mind you, I not only did this to have a taste of stepping out of my comfort zone, it is also a form self comfort and defense against ignorant people so that they can't plant their foot above my head to use me for their devious course-related schemes) but as the pre-u journey progresses into mid-year, I became more and more paranoid of what friends think of me, as a person and as a friend. Because of that I became wary of every move that I made, and every word I said. "Did I say this right? Am I portraying the right gesture?" These thoughts still haunt me until now. As a result, I do not talk as much as I did before, for fear of this unimaginable consequence. I only talk when the situation calls for me to. And the occasional laugh to remind them that I still exist.

Throughout the middle of the year, I have never felt so lonely before in my life.

Going to Starbucks or Aunty Annes after college alone because I like being alone sometimes and that's the best time for me to engage in deep thought? Although it is rather true but the two 'excuses' are constructed from the basis getting away from people so I will not be susceptible to judgement anymore from every little action that I make. For a moment, I felt so free and yet, I feel that stinging pain in my heart at the same time. But at least it's better to have 100% of your heart feeling hurt from the thought of possible negative thoughts and views friends might have of me. Call it a 50-50 thing if you must.

Self-centred, insensitive, lack of self-esteem. These are the words that I think must be in the thoughts of majority of the readers here now. With this negative post about my true feelings, you may have an otherwise unexpected thoughts of the blur, optimistic and cheerful individual that I am on the outside. These are thoughts that I share with people who I think I can trust the most, and yet by sharing deepest feelings I tend to also start feeling bad by letting them in on my darkest thoughts, because 1, of the burden of having need to bear with my negativity, and 2, they start thinking otherwise of me. I don't know how else to find an output for all this negative thoughts but through my blog that I left idle for over 3 years. The accumulated feeling of emptiness for the past 3 years.

And the biggest question is: Has this paranoia along with added pressure from academics and family issues changed who I used to be in the past? I think yes, it has.

Looking back, I could help out friends in need regardless of age with no hesitation. But now, I'll have second thoughts (or maybe even three) before helping someone. Also be the one to provide the smiles to my friends despite having to cope with exams and assignments. Quite opposing to what I hoped for from college in fact. I cannot deny the fact that I actually did helped one or two friends get through in times of difficulties, or the handful of times providing laughter to friends and friends' friends alike, but I just feel that I am not doing enough because I always feel like I am in debt for my friends who have to put up with my pathetic and sorry state of a human being.

Don't worry, I am not going through any forms of depression or thoughts of ending my life or whatsoever if you are concerned, just going through a night where my brain decided it was a good time to let true emotions flooding in.

But that's just how it is. My deepest thoughts and feelings written in black and white for the past 3 years, before the end of my external paper because I got tired of studying the same things over and over again. I hope I did not bore you with my extensive negative view upon myself. For those who sacrificed their useful time to read this, sorry for taking up your time, I was being selfish. Please resume with your daily routines and if you need compensation for your lost time, do tell me. Sorry and have a good day ahead :)


"I'm falling to pieces." -Breakeven by The Script

The Meaning of True Friendship~

Hey guys~ Well, its raining now.... (maybe its because of my neighbour making horrible sounds with his drums...) Actually the reason I'm actually touching this dead lil thingy is that well I notice throughout the entire time I was in secondary school, I noticed that many of us, well including me, face many problems.... love, education, family problems... you name it. But what concerned me the most, and well possibly affected me the most, are the people beside me...

Yes, friends.

Well, nowadays I've noticed some people having lots and lots of problems regarding to friendship, and I noticed just how disorientated we are, especially those in my age group...
Just recently, I found this article on the all-so-mighty Internet... Its kinda long but I hope you guys enjoy reading it and hope it'll help you guys if any of you have problems of such... ^^

True Friendship

Have you ever wondered what the real essence of the saying "A Friend in Need is a Friend Indeed" is? People talk about the true value of friendship actually without knowing what it stands for. True friendship is the one, in which the individuals do not have to maintain formalities with each other. Sharing true friendship is the situation, when the person you are talking about is counted as one among your family members, when the relation you share with him/her reaches a stage that even if you don't correspond for sometime, your friendship remains unscathed. Best friends need not meet up often to make sure that the friendship remains constant.

The trust between best friends is such that if one friend falls in trouble, the other will not think twice to help. If the bond between two friends is strong, true friends can endure even long distances. For them, geographical separation is just a part of life. It would not affect their friendship. They make it a point to stay in touch, even in the verge of being exhausted due to the drudgery of everyday life. True friendship never fades away. In fact, it grows better with time. True friendship thrives on trust, inspiration and comfort. Best friends come to know, when the other person is in trouble, merely by listening to their "Hello" over the phone. They can even understand each other's silence.

True friends don't desert each other when one is facing trouble. They would face it together and support each other, even if it is against the interests of the other person. Best friends don't analyze each other; they don't have to do so. They accept each other with their positive and negative qualities. Nothing is hidden between true friends. They know each other's strengths as well as weaknesses. One would not overpower the other. They would respect each other's individuality. In fact, they would understand the similarities and respect the differences. Best friends don't stand any outsider commenting or criticizing their friendship and they can put up a very firm resistance, if anyone does so.

True friends are not opportunists. They don't help, because they have something to gain out of it. True friendship is marked by selflessness. Best friends support even each other, even if the whole world opposes them. It is not easy getting true friends for the lifetime. If you have even one true friend, consider yourself blessed. Remember, all best friends are friends, but not all friends can be best friends. In this world of cynics and back stabbers, there are still some people who are worth being friends with. They have to be recognized and respected for being best friends, for the lifetime.

Hope this guide will help you go through with life a lil easier.... Gambateh!! ^.^v

Don't Let Me Go~

Hey! I finally have the mood to blog today! Well, 1st of all, Don't fikir senget upon seeing the title.... it's part of a song that I'm listening to now... XD actually... I feel really down today... not sure why.... (school perhaps?) haizz... oh well... but this song, The Fray-Never Say Never... is really a great song... and heartbreaking. =( I don't know why... XD...

Well, 2nd of all... *ahem*...


GAH STUPID PROJECTS!

yes. you heard that right... it's that time of the year again! where we get assignments from teachers.... especially from the Sejarah and Geografi teachers... -.- oh and this year.... we're suppose to start our project by FEBRUARY until July... and guess what? we only got directions on what to do for our project this week! Amazing isn't it? (I guess not) XD for sejarah, we have to do a perayaan kaum di malaysia... and geography we get to choose from amalan kitar semula or migrasi dalaman penduduk di malaysia... (I don't like any of the topics) XD

Lol, alright then, guess I'll put a full-stop here. (and not updating this thingy for another two months...)

Kidding. :D

Cya~ ^^

Hello again!

Hell people! It's me again! Ha now I am updating my blog after..... 5 months~ XD lol... Well, 2010's here.... so many things to do now.... writing the academic contract, interversi on 21st... wow... so many things to do~ x.x Well, signing off now, (lol I just put up this random post so you guys wil stop complaining about my dead blog. xD) Bye for now! XD

Nothing better to do lar...

Well... Its me again... But I'm always here for a purpose... to avoid being complained for an outdated blog... XD Once again, I shall show you a video about the culture and humorous parts of Malaysians... Enjoy!! ^^

Enjoyed it? Okay, good~ if you want more and can't get enough of the humorous scenes, log on to http://15malaysia.com for more!! =)

Hey! How were the hols? Boring? If you are, watch this cause this will make your gloominess go away... enjoy~ =)

Well, like usual, I did nothing for the whole entire 2 days of holiday... but then today the tables has turned, cause I finally get to go back into Bukit Gasing.... along with my pal--Jess! ^^

Well, at 10 we went into Bukit Gasing... we walked all the way up to the Community Hall and went through the construction site to the entrance of the forest reserve. Inside, there were two roads, one to PJ, one to the suspension bridge. And boy that was a tough trail to walk... After 1 and a half hours of a tough and agonizing walk, we made it back to the forked trail... And from there we made our way back out to civilization... I can't believe I lost so much stamina! Even Jess was in a better condition than me after we finished the trail... =.=

Well, after we got home, I was so damn freaking exhausted... and I lied down on the floor flat (literally)... After I got tired of being tired, we played Guitar Hero 3: Legends of Rock!! XD (Jess, you will not be able to beat me even though you use the Wii remote instead of the guitar!) XD Later, we ate my mom's scrumptious spaghetti and soon we were playing Maple Story... XD But sadly by 2, Jess had to go home... (Its alright Jess! You'll get your chance to play again! I think...XD) After I sent her downstairs it was back to the same ol' routine again... eat, sleep, play, take bath, eat, play, sleep.... XD

Well, now I have nothing to say now... So... cya!!

~I'm deeply sorry for the loss of 3 Bayan... May he R.I.P~

Happy Holidays People~~

Hey people! How are you guys enjoying your 1st night of the holidays?? I bet its 'fun'!!! XD And yes... I AM SO HAPPY THAT I FINALLY FINISH THAT DARN GEOGRAPHY PROJECT!! Well, the reason I'm blogging today, is to wish....you....guys....

HAPPY 52ND MERDEKA HOLIDAY!!!

Hope you guys won't rot and decay at home sitting in front of the computer every day... XD

Well, that's all folks! Cya!!!

*GUITAR HERO: LEGENDS OF ROCK WII ROCKS!!!!!! XD*

PRS 4eva!!!

PRS rocks!!!! I wanna be a PRS member for the remaining years of my secondary life! When did I notice?? Well, it all started back when we were at the Bengkel PRS on 8/8/09.... (Wah lucky number some more!! XD)

Woke up at 6 a.m... Didn't really have a good night's sleep because I had a flu... So, I got into my PRS shirt, ate my breakfast, do stuffs necessary when you just woke up and off I go!

At first, I thought the workshop started at 7 a.m, all thanks to my form 1 pal... Since she's a St Teresa ex-student, I guess I trust her... and you know what happened in the end??

Dawn and I were the only ones at the canteen.

Not to mention, Dawn told me that our Bengkel PRS only starts at 7.45 a.m! 7.45!! WalauA! Fortunately, Pn. Yap came at around 7.15 and we well, follow her do stuffs...

At around 7.30, we all went to the auditorium. Me and Dawn were one of the earliest cause there was only one Form 4 girl there. So, we daftar nama, and go find a place to sit. I was so damn tired, and I felt feverish.... When I was about to fell asleep, suddenly Dawn came and pulled me to follow her go for a stroll... (Walau, you've been to school for a thousand times already Dawn! Got anything nice to see meh??) We then walked until the main entrance and sat there, waiting for the others to arrive. The first we saw was non other than Stanley. Then while we were blabbering away, suddenly the guard came and sat beside us! I dunno what he's up to but we ignored him... Later, Zheng Hao came, we were kinda surprised... he wore a 2-in-1 shirt! A collar-ed shirt on the inside, PRS shirt on the outside... O.O Then Stanley left with Zheng Hao.

Now only left me, Dawn, and the guard. Then we stood up, and walked away. Suddenly, the guard called "A Moi! A Moi!" Then we turned around. "A Moi! A Moi!" He kept calling. We didn't who he was calling to. Then he pointed to-----me. So I walked to him. And you know what he said....? *Transmission lost, the things you are about to see shall be erased due to connection problems. If you want to know, you can ask me/Dawn. Thank you. XD*

At around 7.45, More more people started to come. And so did my friend. -.- By then, the workshop has just started. We then sat down and listen to taklimats given by Mr. Yip, Pn. Yap, and Pn. Nurul Akmal. Soon, it was the Ice-Breaking session. Mun Nee, the future Pengerusi of PRS, started distributing little pieces of stickers with song names on it. I got '我还是很爱你'. Then, in three minutes time, we started searching for our teams. I was in Penny Tai's team!! XD And so was Dawn, Jess and Stanley. At first Stanley was in team S.H.E consisting of four boys, so, he changed to our group, Zheng Hao in Wilber Pan... Wow he's the only guy in our group~

Without wasting any time, we went on with our session. As soon we were in our teams we had to sing a song... -.- for our team, Xi Yang came up with 'yong qi', Fish's one with 'the moon represents my heart' and Zheng Hao's 'tong hua'... wow it was freaking awkward...

Next, we moved on with a ceramah by the leng zai/cool Mr. Lim, who was the spokesman for the day. First, we watched mini clips all about team work. Most of them were great, especially the one about migrating birds. (I really felt kinda sorry for those who doesn't know how to read Chinese... cause most of em' was in that language) Later on, we were required to answer eight questions... regarding teamwork... since we had to present it by 10.15 am, our team cut down on our break time to only about 15 minutes, then returned to the auditorium for discussion. With form-six ed Elaine, form-four ed Xi Yang, and the creative minds of the form 2's, all the answers we gave were out of the topic but quite logical... XD (For more information please refer to Stanley's blog... XD)

10.15 a.m: Presentation time. We were the 3rd team to present. In the midst, Mr. Lim asked: Are you going to be only one presenting? And that's called teamwork? Prove that you have teamwork, girls, one of you go hug Stanley... Wah... so we were all like "omg omg! who's going?" Then, Elaine stepped in front of him, and hugged. The crowd were so 'high' when Elaine hugged Stanley... Then Mr. Lim said: Wah Stanley, guess you won't be able to sleep tonight le... And among all the other teams, I think ours received the most applause... thanks to Elaine. =D After we got back to our places, my condition was getting worse... My nose was blocked and I can feel a little fever... So without hesitation, I got my Panadol Cold and ate two tablets... I was feeling so much better after that.

Next, after everyone has performed, we went back to our seminar with Mr. Lim. Now he presented us with feelings and problems about humans... (and omg it was so true... it will definitely solve my problems in the near future...) by 12.30, it was the end of the seminar. Evey one clapped and we walked to the canteen for chicken rice. I got an apple from Pn. Yap for attending the seminar! XD (P.S: the chicken rice was exactly the one like I had in KBU when I was there for a leadership training... o.o) By 1, everyone started to left.... and so did I. In the car, I told my dad about my condition. So he quickly drove to Bangsar and went to the clinic. Wow I was surprised when the doctor said I matched the criteria for a potential H1N1... So, doc gave an MC, not to go to school on Monday (which is today) to see wether if my condition was getting worse. If nothings wrong with me, I can go back to school tomorrow! Yipee... =D

Well, end of story for today... Ciao!! (Darn Geography and Civic Project... can die... T.T)

I'm Back!

Hey people! Wow... looking back, its already a month since this thing was updated.... Well, I'm kinda tired and lazy to write it in a continous form, so.... let me write in point forms of what I did for the past one month:-

a) Minggu PSS. Wow after all we went through, it was kinda nice sitting down watching movies too... 'Babylon A.D' and 'The Day the Earth Stood Still' was awesome!

b) Drill Competition. Wow it was one of the 'high-est' day I ever had throughout the year! (You can ask me why~)

c) The Phantom of the Opera Musical. Wow Christine and La Carlotta was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!

d) Ko-kurikulum Day. It's the day where we waste, I mean use our money to eat and play and do stuffs like that. But for me, It was just taking movies, eat, dodge cans and re-stack them, eat, watch Singing Competition, eat, go home... It was hot and well, tiring. But yea it was kinda cool. =)

e) Exam. From the 27th-29th it was so boring! Just sitting there writing... plus, marks even went down. Better get my head in the game before PMR!! =(

e) 3/8/09. Hari Perlantikan for librarians! I finally got my collar pin and name tag! Only thing is... I got to wear the librarian skirt that day... O.O

f) Today. Well, our whole class's working on something.... Something private and confidential... You guys will soon find out on 17/8/09 Monday. =)

Well, I have nothing to say anymore.... ok! bye bye people! =D

Paris... You're So Right~

Hey everybody! Ahhh~~ For the first time in history, we can actually hear what MJ's very own daughter-Paris Katherine Jackson, has to say on his funeral day... it's so touching... T.T



Thank you, Paris, for letting us realising your dad, is someone that caring and protective... ^^